Every time I meet an African-American, Caribbean or African woman new to Berlin, I hear the same comment. It begins like a mere observation, a cultural difference, but as she continues talking, a nerve is hit, a personal connection is felt and frustration finally settles in. It is familiar to me because it was a reaction I had when I first moved to Berlin.
"What is with these little mixed girls’ hair? Why do they walk around like their hair hasn’t been combed in months? Can’t their mothers go on the Internet, ask a black friend or go to one of the „ Afro Shops“ that are all over the city? What is their excuse for letting their daughters walk around like that? Even Brad Pitt went on You Tube to figure out how to comb Zahara's hair!"
If I had an Euro for every black woman I've met who has considered teaching a course to white German mothers on how to to take care of their black daughters' hair, I could afford an extra trip home every year.
I simply don't have it in me to say, "Um, have you tried putting a leave-in conditioner in your child's hair? Or, "You realize you still have to comb curly hair, right? It wouldn't be krause, if you actually combed it and put some oil in it. . ." That feels too intrusive but on the other hand, a part of me feels bad for the child. The child's hair is seen as "troublesome" and "difficult" but only because the mother can't relate to the difference in hair maintenance. (I did actually have a random mother or two ask for my help.)
The other observation I've made here is the Ashy Skin Syndrome. For the non-black readers of my blog, ashiness occurs when brown/black skin is not well moisturized. White people can walk around with dry skin and it's not as obvious. When black skin gets dry and there is a white film over it, it is widely seen (amongst black people) as a source of shame. If I had ever gotten caught on the block as a child with white knees, I could expect to be teased for at least five years by other black kids. As far as I know, the ashy stigma is one prevalent all over North America, South America, the Caribbean and Africa. Yet here I see too many ashy brown children walking around and I admit that it makes me cringe.
My five year-old son reported to me that his black friend at school (who has white German adoptive parents) is "ashy all over!" Once or twice my husband forgot to oil our sons' skin after a shower. When my husband saw the next day what the result was, he was shocked and puzzled. Then he remembered that he'd forgotten the necessary ritual.
This may not seem like a big deal to those with fair skin but when one sees how often we of the darker hues come under attack (we're ugly, we smell, we have too much testosterone), these seemingly small points matter, to us.
Here is where it gets tricky. Are these stigmas only stigmas because black people perpetuate them? When I see a German mixed race child with dry, uncombed hair and ashy skin, she doesn't seem to be bothered by it because it doesn't seem to bother her white German mother. In fact, I have learned time and time again that many Afro-Germans (not my term) identify more as being German than as black (not a bad thing, per se but a difference). This is obviously more pronounced if they grew up without a black family member.
Yet growing up black, always having a bottle of lotion in my bag was a cultural difference between me and my white friends. None of my white friends knew what "ashy" meant and they didn't need to, we were different and that was OK. But is not noticing that you're different from your white friends always good, whether you share a nationality or not?
Photo: flickr
22 comments:
wow...just wow. It is so hard to imagine a child whose hair is not properly combed or whose legs are ashy.
Growing up we didn't have much but my mama could always afford a comb (or a pick) and some Vaseline Intensive Care lotion. LOL!
Cultural differences fascinate me too. Perhaps, someday I will make it Germany!
This is a tricky subject. I think the issue is with care versus taste. I'm not expecting to see parents of black children to comb their hair with barrettes and bows like my mother did. I do expect them to care for the child's hair so that it's not painful to comb it (combing is a part of hygiene, unless you have locks) and to use appropriate moisturizers so that the hair stays healthy. Skin falls into that same category. I don't know about others, but if I'm not well moisturized my skin is itchy and can actually hurt in the cold months. These are necessities that I can understand a caucasian never has to deal with, but the moment you have a black child, you have to look into it. It's responsible parenting ;-)
This topic is something I often think about... I like the points you bring up.
@Balanced: Well for the record, my skin gets itchy or even hurts too, if not sufficiently moisturized (and I'm white). I suppose it just doesn't show as much.
@Rose-Anne:
"But is not noticing that you're different from your white friends always good[...]?"
My (possibly a little naive) question to this would be: If you're not noticing that you're different from your white friends, and they aren't, who is to say that you are different at all?
@Gustav, How long do you think that game of denial can last? Five, ten years? How long before someone asks you why you speak German so well even though you grew up here with your other friends? How long before you start noticing that no one in advertisements (other than for integration and Bennetton) look like you? DIfferent doesn't mean worse but to deny difference seems like a recipe for an identity crisis.
here's my thing, confusing as it may be the best skin care products are from europe by that i mean made by really white people, laroche posay a french brand-my ultimate favorite- and yet the french have not so great skin, a real source of confusion... really.
i notice ashy skin on the palest of white people and must i say a trend amongst some black folks.... really!
i have made it my duty to let my palest friends know the benefits of moisturizing. a german friend was most against it at first then i had to remind him how pale he was and really no immune to skin cancer and itchy skin, he recognized and thanked me afterwards. a gay man on top of that!
i am not yet ready to comment on the hair thing, i feel that one might get me into a fight and worst i am bald. however in nyc and or montreal it is rare to see mixed kids' hair that screams help.
"…Are these stigmas only stigmas because black people perpetuate them?"
The answer to this question is YES.
1. Until I watched Chris Rock, I did not know or use the term "ashy" or its equivalent in another language to describe dark skin that has not been moisturized. I assumed all skins needed some moisturizing. I am so glad someone with ashy white skin (when not moisturized) spoke up (Thanks Gustav!)
2. I really liked Zahara's natural "unruly" hair. I was quite shocked to read "Zahara Jolie-Pitt and the politics of uncombed hair" on Newsweek (October 2009) when Ieishah (Juicy Oyster) mentioned it on one of her posts (http://www.fatjuicyoyster.com/search?q=zahara).
However, I do cringe when I see little black girls with unnatural relaxed hair on boxes of relaxers. Then again, this is a big tiresome topic… In the mean time, I can only hope that my natural “unruly” hair is not offending anyone.
-Mi
I think the stigma surrounding "ashiness" and "nappiness" is definitely "a black thing". In the States a few years ago, I remember the "bedhead" look being all the rage among hipsters. Even before that, I once wore a ridiculously nappy-ass afro wig to a 70's theme party and was seriously offended when some guy complimented me on it and asked if that was my real hair (as if!). And in Europe, unruly curly hair seems to be aesthetically pleasing as well. In fact, I usually get the most hair compliments from Germans on my bad hair days when I haven't had time to wash it for a day or two and my curls are less defined. But even though it looks slightly frizzy (at least to me), it's still soft to the touch. Maybe those other mixed-race kids hair is too??
And I do see a lot of mixed-race models in the media (not just in integration and Benneton ads!). The mixed-race look has definitely been "in" for a while, and I'm honestly not surprised by some mothers embracing their mixed-raced child's hair as it is. For me, my hair is THE symbol of my mixed-race identity (sometimes even more than my skin color---which is slightly darker than most mixed-race people I've ever met). And I neither can nor want to treat it like normal black or white hair. In fact, I've always felt sorry for mixed-race kids whose frustrated white mothers have resorted to simply relaxing their hair. My mother would have kiiiilled me for even eyeing a box of relaxer. Never in a million years would she have let me do anything to ruin my naturally curly hair.
@Rose-Anne
I didn't comment on this topic until now, because I just don't know the first thing about what care black skin or curly hair would need.
White skin gets itchy too (especially around elbows and knees), if it gets too dry.
I have the feeling, you impose the rules of the black American community on black German kids at least to some extend.
About your reply to Gustav: Why should that be a Game of denial? Germany just doesn't have the history of racial conflict with blacks, that the USA have. Of cause they will be confronted with racism and prejudice at some point.
As I see it, identifying as being black, doesn't really make much more sense as identifying as being blond or as another example gay. It's a defence mechanism against the hostility of the society. But if black Germans could do without that, that would be a good thing. So if those kids grow up without that, and learn to deal with the prejudice, they will be confronted with, without needing to identify as black to do so, why shouldn't they?
Hi Mi,
You've never heard the term ashy?
Where are you from and where did you grow up?
I don't relax my hair and I don't think little girls should have harsh chemicals in their hair, my personal opinion. And I certainly don't get offended by anyone's unruly hair, I just feel bad for little girls who are walking around with hair that hasn't been combed. Period.
There is a big difference between natural hair that is taken care of and not taken care of. As Balanced Melting Pot says, combing hair is a part of hygiene.
I have watched a black American hairdresser here in Berlin have to cut out wads of matted hair on little mixed girls time and time again b/c their mothers clearly had not combed their hair. Wild hair is one thing, unintentional dread locks is another.
Hi Rose-Anne,
I have never heard the term "ashy" until I watched Chris Rock on TV. When my skin is not moisturized, it becomes dry. I assumed all skins of all color became dry when not moisturized.
I did not grow up in the U.S. but immigrated here in my mid-teens originally from East Africa via Europe. There are many terms I learned ever since I came here. For example, I knew the N***** word was a slur like a b**** is but I did not know its HEAVY charge.
"...As Balanced Melting Pot says, combing hair is a part of hygiene..." This reminds me of a conversation I once had with a very good Lebanese friend of mine.
Him: "How long does it take you to wash your hair every morning?"
Me: "Why should I wash my hair every morning?"
Him: "Because that is what everybody does... That is what I do!"
Me: "Your hair is one inch!"
Still puzzled, I went and repeated this bizarre conversation to a haidresser who explained to me that white hair needs to be washed very often or it becomes "oily and smelly." I have yet to unravel that mystery...
-Mi
I really take exception to the idea that identifying as black is nothing but a defense mechanism. And I think it's important to realize that Germany (or any other country) exists in the world -- meaning that even if certain problems don't exist in Germany, it doesn't mean black Germans would never confront them, even if they never leave the country. Really, all they'd have to do is read a bit of World History.
@Daniel, Have you noticed how many "Afro-Germans" have written about race? While Germany may not have a history of slavery and segregation, Germany is not immune to discrimination and alienation of racial and ethnic minorities. I get quite a few emails from different organizations around Germany that do community work with Afro German kids and identity building. Why do all of these organizations, literature, etc exist?
Now, as for identifying as black as a "defense mechanism" that is unfairly simplistic. Celebrating or acknowledging identity is something white people don't ever have to think about b/c it is a daily experience. Centuries went by before accomplishments of blacks were acknowledged or admitted. History erased black people to a large extent up until the beginning of the transatlantic slave trade.
People here love telling me where they came from, and where their great grandparents grew up. A lot of white people in the states can tell you, "I'm part Irish, half Scottish, etc". Why should another heritage be invisible for the sake of believing we're all the same?
I don't think a child has to be "color blind" to be open minded and healthy. I think that is a naive expectation of anyone. We see the differences right away. For example, today I went to Wannsee and an announcement came on "Ein farbiges Kind vermisst seine Eltern." (A colored child has lost his parents.) This seemed to be the most obvious description to the announcer. I must say, it surprised me. Then, when I went back to the car with my kids, a woman asked me if one of my kids was the "farbiges Kind" that had lost his parents? Difference is noticed and highlighted all the time.
@Mi Different people have different ways of taking care of themselves and feeling pride in themselves. I don't necessarily expect a white parent to know right away how to comb black hair, it is quite challenging if you didn't grow up with this texture of hair. In fact, I first thought it weird that white people's hair has to be washed so often. Black hair doesn't produce its own oil and tends to get dry and brittle, thus needing constant moisturizing. Why should a white person know this? These are differences that don't have to create divisions but they can still be acknowledged.
Daniel, do you think a gay person who feels like his homosexuality is a major part of his personality is only reacting to homophobia?
Hi Rose-Anne,
Thank you! You got my point.
-Mi
@Rose-Anne, Nadeve
Well, I should relativize a bit what I said about identity. Of cause there is stuff as tradition and heritage and so on, and it shouldn't be forgotten about.
But I'm under the impression, that the identification of black Americans as being black is much stronger, than just that.
One of my best friends for example is half Italian, and while language, traditions etc. are of cause part of his identity, it's not a dominant part.
Look again, at what you've replied to Gustav, about why black kids should be concious of being black. All you've listed are defensive reasons.
I agree, that there is much more to Identity, then that "self-protection" part. But self-protection to me seems a reason to identify with something, that would normally just be a part of your identity, more excessively.
I'm painfully aware, that racism is a problem in Germany as well. But the situation and history here is different, and while I'm not sure of the implications that should have on identity, I'm quite sure there are some.
And towards your last question. If being homosexual is a dominating part of his identity, much more, as it is for a heterosexual, I would say, its a reaction to the different social perception, yes. If he would have grown up in a world, where being homosexual would be considered just as normal as being homosexual, it would of cause still be part of his identity, but not a major one.
I guess, what I'm trying to say, is, it's fine to see the differences and make them part of your identity. But that's something else then seeing yourself as being different and identifying as such.
That's what I disliked about that last question in that article "But is not noticing that you're different from your white friends always good[...]?" It felt to me like you're looking for the answer "no, because we end up on different sites anyway, and the sooner you notice, the better.".
@Daniel,
I was responding to Gustav's direct point about acknowledging difference and NOT defining identity through those terms alone. I certainly don't raise my kids that way, just as my Jewish friends don't teach Jewish culture and traditions to their kids by beginning by talking about the Holocaust.
What I find striking about your example of your half Italian friend, is that it is through your perspective. He eats Italian food and acknowledges his Italian culture but it is not a dominant trait. . . according to you or to him? Is it even something conscious for him as it is for you? And is your friend an example that should be followed, as in not having your nationality be a dominant part of your identity? It sounds so familiar, this idea of how much of one's other identity (the part that is not German) should or should not define a person. Why is that so important here?
If a white, straight German lived in a 98% community of say purple Muslims who were mostly gay, just watch how fast his German's race, culture and heterosexuality would become significant to him. Even if the purple gay Muslims were tolerant of him!
Acknowledging identity and difference of one's self (whatever aspects those are) does not have to be associated with negativity. This is a con delivered to you by an incomplete portrayal of the black power movement and perhaps early rap and some black reaction to centuries of racism and marginalization. But for those of us around for the new era of black self affirmation, which one could (commercially) target with The Cosby Show (and the rise of the black middle class), black American identity is far more complex and rich. That family was culturally very African American yet they were a normal, well off American family that made everyone laugh. But there is no way to say that family was not a black family. Their lives were not defined by self defensive behavior toward a white community but as a celebration of who they were.
But all too often a celebration of cultural or ethnic identity is regarded as isolationism or an unwillingness to integrate.
Getting back to the post, @Drea, those little girls in the salon cried when their matted hair had to be cut out. That was no celebration of the child's locks, that was straight up improper hair care. The mothers were frustrated, the girls were sad b/c their hair had to be chopped off. . .it just seems to me like an unfortunate culture gap.
Just to make that clear, I was not talking about literally not realizing the different skin color. But I think the discussion has gone past that.
@Rose-Anne: I'm not sure if I'm entirely convinced, but I understand your position much better than at the beginning of this discussion (which is a start, I guess). Thanks by the way @Daniel for bringing up several of the points I had thought of as well :)
One last question of my part, if I may: If we lived in a hypothetical perfect society where everyone is tolerant and there is no prejudice whatsoever; would you think it to be desirable if everyone was in fact "color blind"?
Well, I'm not Rose-Anne, but I'll answer your question, Gustav. I don't think a hypothetical perfect society would or should have to be color-blind. And it seems to me that the desire for a color-blind society tends to come from dominant groups. I find that interesting. I don't know what it means. It's just something I've observed over the years.
Lastly, acknowledging and celebrating a black identity does not necessarily have to do with difference. I live in Haiti, where black people are the clear majority. That doesn't make being black any less important to us. Au contraire.
@Gustav, funny that you would ask that question after the case I just made. Do you think a color blind society leads to a tolerant one? I don't think so, which is why I believe it is essential for each person to develop a strong sense of identity, regardless of race.
I have personally witnessed, here in Germany, two cases of Afro Germans growing up, " just like everyone else" and then they had crises when they got older and realized that they weren't. Perhaps it was a coincidence, I don't know? But in both cases, they felt a little cheated by not knowing and experiencing their black sides. If being black were just a color, that would be a lot easier. But clearly there are cultures , traditions, experiences associated with race. This is where they felt they didn't know a part of themselves. I can not and will not speak for all Afro Germans, obviously. But these cases were very striking to me.
I hear you Gustav and Daniel, I have these same discussions with my husband, who thinks very much the way you do. And I know you have a very wholesome view of the situation in the sense that you don't see why an issue should be created where there isn't one. It is a great advantage of your perspective. I'm afraid it is short sighted, however. My husband is sometimes shocked by how our sons identify themselves and how conscious they are of their skin color and it didn't come from some huge announcement from me. My son asked me if he was brown and I said yes. That is how it started. The history in the USA only came up recently, often prompted by their questions or books that they'd read in school.
I see no benefit in teaching about race and ethnicity from the perspective of a victim. First, obviously, I hope that my children will view role models who "look like me" and then, when they do learn the awful history, they don't have to feel so pounded by it. My brother was not this lucky. There was no Barack Obama, no Bill Cosby, no Kofi Anan, no free Nelson Mandela when he learned about slavery in school. My sons have the advantage of learning the good stuff first. But strong identity has to be in place first, a sense of pride (I know Germans hate it when I say that).
@Nadeve, this concept of a "color blind" society I believe, comes from wish for more tolerance. But if we examine that idea more closely, we could gather that it is simply an easy way out of embracing true tolerance and, to me, a passive kind of hope for assimilation. If everyone is the same and everyone is seen as the same, then there's nothing to get upset about, right? But your example is valid one. Even in a country where the majority is black, Haiti is the least color blind place I can think of, lol.
@all I am so happy to have a voice coming out of Haiti and one that participates in discussions with people from Germany. Daniel and Gustav, I'm also very very glad to have the perspective of white German men here. Of the couple hundred people who visit CBS everyday, they hail from four continents (yes, I have some Japanese and Chinese, too) and while the majority doesn't leave comments, it appears that they're reading something. This is fantastic and discussions like these leave me with some hope about the Internet!
It seems like it should it should be a given regardless of ethnicity that moisturizing one's skin is critical. Dry skin = premature aging. If you buy into that idea that "black don't crack" that's the reason. Extremely dry skin can lead to other problems. In high school I thought I could simply stop wearing lotion--during the winter. My skin had gone beyond ashy to cracked, chapped and itchy as heck. So darker skin has a very visual indicator that skin is dry.
Perhaps this little clip will make you laugh: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocM__hQovcI
@ Rose-Anne: Eeeeeek! I've honestly never seen any mixed girls in Berlin with hair that bad before, and I feel really sorry for the poor girls. There definitely is a difference between hair that merely *looks* like it hasn't been combed in months (a question of aesthetics) and hair that actually *hasn't* been (a question of proper hygiene), and I definitely didn't mean to imply otherwise! But at least the mothers had *some* sense to take their daughters to a black American hairdresser. I'm just surprised the hairdresser has never intervened and said anything to the mothers (or has she?). I would have expected her to try and solve the problem instead of merely treating the reoccurring symptoms. At least she's a professional, so her butting in and giving advice wouldn't be as intrusive as, say, you (or someone else on the street) doing it. Then again, didn't you write in your book how you felt like everyone--even strangers--in Germany try to tell you how to raise your own kids? Well, maybe it's time they got a taste of their own medicine.
@Erika, yes, that did bring on the serious lols. . . thank you.
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